Confessions of an unstable confused mind
What is life? What is death? The two of the most pertinent questions in a man's life; the answers to which remain as elusive as the invisible God Himself.
I have, along with the unaccountable millions of mortal minions of the earth asked many questions to myself for umpteen times. The results obtained were not of any exceptional nature.
Is there any good or bad in the absolute sense? What makes us happy and what brings sorrow? Nietzsche clubs this with power. Those who have any form of power have the satisfaction of accomplishing things within their power and this brings happiness to them. the loss of power brings sadness. This power, in my understanding could be anything_ love, money, control, nobility, tyranny et al. The possibility of the loss of this power brings fear. Fear brings weakness. What would this imply? It is very paradoxical indeed. Where do we stand? The cyclic process of questioning yields no tangible results. Instead it gives birth to yet more querries.
Having run the gamut of adolescent and neo adolescent emotions, I used to consider myself an accomplished and experienced youth for my age. But now, standing on the shoulder of giants of the likes of Salinger and Kerouac, I spy upon a much greater valley, a vast plain of forbidden knowledge that I am yet to tresspass upon. Throughout the shallow walks of our present lives, the journey never ends.
I am a dreamer. I have spanned the uncharted galaxies and the depths of unfathomable chasms beneath the immobile ocean with my eyes closed, swallowing every detail with relish. I have killed and died dozens of times in the past decade and it has never been enough. Dreams are where the world becomes your stage and you are not an actor, but THE actor and the one who calls the shots. Ignorance is bliss. Reality bites. Ah! Virtual reality! How eagerly I await your machine made arrival amidst the neon rainbows in the silicon jungle.
But then reality barks. And it awakens me to the scorching heat of the yellow fireball of helium, burning towards its fatal end. Family, friends, love and career constitute my stark naked reality_ raw, unskinned, bare, rank flesh.. human flesh.
I was born to a middle class family, the foundations to which were shaky with the frequent onslaught of turbulent emotional storms. The younger days were spent fighting a raging fever, caught in a cold, dark cell, bound by the gushy chains that linked me to my mother.
There was no point ever complaining 'coz there was no one to point a finger at.. no one to blame. There is no seismographic balance in human emotions. They are just too yeasty and are never in equilibrium. Therefore I learnt to be less bitter and the grass on the other side of the future seemed greener.
"In dreams begin responsibilities.... " So said Yeats. Ambitions took shape and love had a new lease of life. There has just been one instance of love and it was true to me. There will be no more in my life.
It was like a whiff of fresh air in a cool morning as I stepped out of my cell to the dewy grass. The colors of spring greeted my dark, meagre existence and I was alive once again since my inception into confines of the frosty cell. She gave me hope. She gave me new dreams. She gave me the love. I was treading upon the flowered paths of adolescence and the fragrance of her arrival dazzled me and embraced my whole existence in her innocent warmth.
The celestial beauty of her smile
Had made it all worthwhile.
And there I lay , in solitary soujourn
To admire you,
As you tread your dainty, feathery step...
With a crushing fall upon my heart.. as I lay..
Well, reality bites. And it bleeds. My short but sweet stint at the youthful courtroom of romance ended in a dismal failure to hold on and I was hurled into my cell. It was dark once again and I clawed hard and deep into the damp cloggy earth to bury the torn shreds of my heart and forget about it. It seemed like ages, but finally, I managed to break open my cell again. It was dark outside now. I was alone. But I was free. Time kills. Time heals.With time it began to dawn on me that I was holding onto my past like a shroud over me and that was what caused the darkness. It was all in my mind. The world beyond was just as bright and beautiful as it ever had been, unburdened by depression, unforeseen maladies and the straitjacket of human attachments. I admit I was quite a dunce to not have underdstood long ago. It took me four years to tear open the shroud and blow away the haze. But there is something about depression that clings to the brain like a gooey, sticky pile of disgusting phlegm. If only there were some holy water that could, in its divinity, wash the brain clean. But well.. if wishes never come true.
I had to stay busy and try to wear it out slowly and painfully. There was no other way out. I dabbled in many things_ music, literature, astrology, sports... anything that would make me forget the dirt that stuck to the back of mind like a morbid tumour. Four years down the lane, it began showing results. The shroud that was stitched to my back began wearing out bit by bit. I learnt to live without attachments. To me attachments bring pain and weakness. I began destesting human relationsips. And then there was born a new desire. The world is full of opportunities for those who are clever enough to grab them. I wanted to do so with both hands and have it all.
During this period of emotional turmoil, I came across an interesting concept_ primitivism. The idea of living a simple life in harmony with nature also attracted me as if I was born to be wild. Animals have very uncomplicated sentiments and relationships. But they have much less diversity of feelings than humans. This was confusing. No matter how much we gain, we seem to be losing out on something. The equation never tilts to one side. The law of conservation seemed to be the ultimate truth to me now. Maybe the love I lost then was the sacrifice to something that I gained. I have no clue yet as to what I gained. But anyway, it seemed to be perfectly fine by me as it looked like a solution. More power, more weakness.... more happiness, more sorrow... it all fit perfectly. I had a solution. Karma. The balancing of your actions and their consequences. Yin and Yang. Positive and negative. Simple arithmetic. Law of conservation. Physics and metaphysics. This life is too short for us to be measuring them and understanding the truth that lies beneath. It has to be a longer and more difficult game.
All throughout our superficial lives we experience many things. My life, my youthful, amateurish excursions to the forbidden lands of insane inquisition is immaterial. Life is a means of learning and we are wayfarers here, learning through failures, disappointments and heartbreaks and unaccountable losses. Death is not the leveller. It is the transition from one phase to another. The journey goes on.
As for my story, I met the angel of my broken dreams again after four years. It doesn't grieve me much that she never really loved me and now she is with another man. I am trully happy for her and others who are one with the sane flow of human life. I was never meant to be the loverboy kind anyway. He lies buried along with the broken heart in that cold cell where I buried him as a kid. And the journey continues.
I have, along with the unaccountable millions of mortal minions of the earth asked many questions to myself for umpteen times. The results obtained were not of any exceptional nature.
Is there any good or bad in the absolute sense? What makes us happy and what brings sorrow? Nietzsche clubs this with power. Those who have any form of power have the satisfaction of accomplishing things within their power and this brings happiness to them. the loss of power brings sadness. This power, in my understanding could be anything_ love, money, control, nobility, tyranny et al. The possibility of the loss of this power brings fear. Fear brings weakness. What would this imply? It is very paradoxical indeed. Where do we stand? The cyclic process of questioning yields no tangible results. Instead it gives birth to yet more querries.
Having run the gamut of adolescent and neo adolescent emotions, I used to consider myself an accomplished and experienced youth for my age. But now, standing on the shoulder of giants of the likes of Salinger and Kerouac, I spy upon a much greater valley, a vast plain of forbidden knowledge that I am yet to tresspass upon. Throughout the shallow walks of our present lives, the journey never ends.
I am a dreamer. I have spanned the uncharted galaxies and the depths of unfathomable chasms beneath the immobile ocean with my eyes closed, swallowing every detail with relish. I have killed and died dozens of times in the past decade and it has never been enough. Dreams are where the world becomes your stage and you are not an actor, but THE actor and the one who calls the shots. Ignorance is bliss. Reality bites. Ah! Virtual reality! How eagerly I await your machine made arrival amidst the neon rainbows in the silicon jungle.
But then reality barks. And it awakens me to the scorching heat of the yellow fireball of helium, burning towards its fatal end. Family, friends, love and career constitute my stark naked reality_ raw, unskinned, bare, rank flesh.. human flesh.
I was born to a middle class family, the foundations to which were shaky with the frequent onslaught of turbulent emotional storms. The younger days were spent fighting a raging fever, caught in a cold, dark cell, bound by the gushy chains that linked me to my mother.
There was no point ever complaining 'coz there was no one to point a finger at.. no one to blame. There is no seismographic balance in human emotions. They are just too yeasty and are never in equilibrium. Therefore I learnt to be less bitter and the grass on the other side of the future seemed greener.
"In dreams begin responsibilities.... " So said Yeats. Ambitions took shape and love had a new lease of life. There has just been one instance of love and it was true to me. There will be no more in my life.
It was like a whiff of fresh air in a cool morning as I stepped out of my cell to the dewy grass. The colors of spring greeted my dark, meagre existence and I was alive once again since my inception into confines of the frosty cell. She gave me hope. She gave me new dreams. She gave me the love. I was treading upon the flowered paths of adolescence and the fragrance of her arrival dazzled me and embraced my whole existence in her innocent warmth.
The celestial beauty of her smile
Had made it all worthwhile.
And there I lay , in solitary soujourn
To admire you,
As you tread your dainty, feathery step...
With a crushing fall upon my heart.. as I lay..
Well, reality bites. And it bleeds. My short but sweet stint at the youthful courtroom of romance ended in a dismal failure to hold on and I was hurled into my cell. It was dark once again and I clawed hard and deep into the damp cloggy earth to bury the torn shreds of my heart and forget about it. It seemed like ages, but finally, I managed to break open my cell again. It was dark outside now. I was alone. But I was free. Time kills. Time heals.With time it began to dawn on me that I was holding onto my past like a shroud over me and that was what caused the darkness. It was all in my mind. The world beyond was just as bright and beautiful as it ever had been, unburdened by depression, unforeseen maladies and the straitjacket of human attachments. I admit I was quite a dunce to not have underdstood long ago. It took me four years to tear open the shroud and blow away the haze. But there is something about depression that clings to the brain like a gooey, sticky pile of disgusting phlegm. If only there were some holy water that could, in its divinity, wash the brain clean. But well.. if wishes never come true.
I had to stay busy and try to wear it out slowly and painfully. There was no other way out. I dabbled in many things_ music, literature, astrology, sports... anything that would make me forget the dirt that stuck to the back of mind like a morbid tumour. Four years down the lane, it began showing results. The shroud that was stitched to my back began wearing out bit by bit. I learnt to live without attachments. To me attachments bring pain and weakness. I began destesting human relationsips. And then there was born a new desire. The world is full of opportunities for those who are clever enough to grab them. I wanted to do so with both hands and have it all.
During this period of emotional turmoil, I came across an interesting concept_ primitivism. The idea of living a simple life in harmony with nature also attracted me as if I was born to be wild. Animals have very uncomplicated sentiments and relationships. But they have much less diversity of feelings than humans. This was confusing. No matter how much we gain, we seem to be losing out on something. The equation never tilts to one side. The law of conservation seemed to be the ultimate truth to me now. Maybe the love I lost then was the sacrifice to something that I gained. I have no clue yet as to what I gained. But anyway, it seemed to be perfectly fine by me as it looked like a solution. More power, more weakness.... more happiness, more sorrow... it all fit perfectly. I had a solution. Karma. The balancing of your actions and their consequences. Yin and Yang. Positive and negative. Simple arithmetic. Law of conservation. Physics and metaphysics. This life is too short for us to be measuring them and understanding the truth that lies beneath. It has to be a longer and more difficult game.
All throughout our superficial lives we experience many things. My life, my youthful, amateurish excursions to the forbidden lands of insane inquisition is immaterial. Life is a means of learning and we are wayfarers here, learning through failures, disappointments and heartbreaks and unaccountable losses. Death is not the leveller. It is the transition from one phase to another. The journey goes on.
As for my story, I met the angel of my broken dreams again after four years. It doesn't grieve me much that she never really loved me and now she is with another man. I am trully happy for her and others who are one with the sane flow of human life. I was never meant to be the loverboy kind anyway. He lies buried along with the broken heart in that cold cell where I buried him as a kid. And the journey continues.
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